I had a good day yesterday at CTH; I was kicking work ass because I am totally fucking amazing at what I do and I am loved to bits by the owner who is my direct boss (we work side by side some days, in addition to me doing ad-hoc for the other staff), and I was working with most of the staff I like.

I had a very bad night last night. On the subway home from CTH, I was overwhelmed with unhappiness because I am not in London. I feel unhappy all the time because of it, but usually I can just smush it away and ignore it (I think I've posted about that before), but I absolutely couldn't do it last night. I was incredibly exhausted, having had to mind TheGirl 24/7 since Tuesday as TheMom was away, and I am still slightly sick, and working very hard at CTH while still trying to juggle TheMom's annoyingass business.

And on the subway home, I just fell apart. I started crying and didn't stop until I got off and called Rebecca who is good at being distracty. And then I had a shower and got into bed and tried to sleep, but was uncontrollably weepy for several hours deep into this morning, and when my alarm went off at 6am, I just wanted to die. I can't go home ever again. I just can't and I will never be able to accept that no matter how much I try.

I'm at CTH right now in my office, doing all the stuff I need to do and watching the kids run wild through my window and feeling miserable and very sorry for myself.

Also, despite the love I have for this job, there is a small problem here that could conceivably become something big and out of control and potentially screw up my head, and I just need to get over it and move on.

I suck at letting go.